Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago planning to enhance and further edit it, but here it is as is to post it before the end of July.
Never did I imagine I would ever succumb to social pressure and the fear of losing my job and actively hide the one controversial part of my identity. Nonetheless, I am guilty of it and therein a certain level of hypocrisy.
Now that I’m leaving and I don’t have to worry about being discriminated against, let alone fired, as I promised myself ages ago I am coming out as gay to my schools and the people who matter most to me here.
All the “sayonara” drinking parties I’ve been having these days serve as a good medium to do this, since they also generally involve the predictable questions about girlfriends and preferred characteristics. It’s a relief to finally just say the simple truth.
So far, the reaction has been surprisingly smooth and not even awkward, which completely blows me away.
The girlfriend question came up early on during one of these parties with everyone’s attention, and following the revelation the party continued and we went on to karaoke and a third venue. Someone even asked what I thought about the young new secretary guy. All this went on without weird behaviour showing its ugly face, though I can’t say the same for the middle-aged hostess bar woman who asked me if I could “fix her.” Then she said she would like to have a little of my DNA (literally), though I like to think she meant it in the genetics sort of way.
Being in the closet here is much different than in the West and especially the United States, where it’s significantly easier to tell who belongs to the majority and who happens to be gay or bisexual. The people of the island especially, as well as most of the teachers that come from elsewhere in the prefecture, seem to have no idea whatsoever. Here I can act just as I normally would elsewhere without this being a concern, and the only time I really hide anything is when I’m asked about relationships and what type of women I prefer.
In Japan, there are plenty of skinny to the point of looking anorexic fashionista men out there who are very much straight. There is no question that Japanese men put much more thought, time, and/or money toward their appearance and apparel. Just pick up a magazine and look at the hairstyles to get an idea. Another stereotype, gestures or body language considered more feminine in the West are of no concern, so it appears.
That is not, at all, to say that there aren’t strong gender roles in Japan. There are absolutely matters of social behaviour and tendencies strictly associated with men as opposed to those associated with women: Traditionally, men are the proactive muscle and women are the artful beauties. Men bring in the money and women control the family wallet. Men bring important guests and women make sure they are elegantly entertained.
To be fair, I live in rural Japan and in a place even isolated from movie theatres, though you can rent a good selection of DVDs. Despite the high-speed Internet access, this is not the super-modern Tokyo, which has both a degree of social modernity and at the same time a higher level of expected formality.
Things like hand-made sweets lie in the realm of the female, as I’m discovering with the surprise school staff show when receiving the cookies I’ve been making as a “goodbye and thank you” gift.
At a work party, it is not necessarily expected for women not to drink alcohol, but at least here on the island the majority will opt for oolong tea or something else. Men, on the other hand, are pretty much expected to be lushes.
At the goodbye party that featured all ladies besides me, they were talking about how there’s a striking difference in gender equality and roles between Tokyo and rural Japan. One of my teachers has a nice arrangement where she cooks one night and her husband cooks the next and they switch off from there.
More shocking to Westerners is the fact that in Japanese society it’s still generally acceptable, or at least not surprising, for married men to have sexual conquests on the side. I highly doubt that their wives approve, but it happens and it’s not talked about very openly — Except perhaps between the men who participate. They even go out together to pick up women at hostess bars or go to soaplands, venues where women are paid to give them a bath with a happy ending.
This situation is one big reason there is a sore lack of open gay lives in Japan, and it is to blame for the frequency of closeted marriages. You can still satisfy your parents, colleagues, and society at large by having a nuclear family. At the same time you can have your sexual fulfilment, though it comes at the cost of some of your identity, the stress of hiding it, and not having a real romantic, loving relationship unless you step across that line.
As long as you live a Japanese life, you can have your so-called “perversions” as you please — Well, at least men can.
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